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  • Writer's pictureAmanda Hoock

Reconnecting with Self - The Fixer

Welcome to my website blog! My intention is to use this platform to offer small or large insights, depending on how it resonates with you. I refer to myself as a potential-focused coach because I believe we all have great potential that should be rediscovered. That is, if individual potential is developed and embraced it would have life changing effects, not only for the person who is allowing their potential to grow and be shown, but also for those they reach. When one person decides to open up and welcome their innate abilities I believe we benefit on the collective level. It is amazing when others are living true to themselves. Have you ever been around someone who has truly accepted their whole self? Every positive and negative aspect of their being. They have a clear understanding of their natural abilities and feel confident in developing them and using them. They are equally as confident in their weaknesses and accepting them as just another part of their being. They are bold in showing their emotions, feel comfortable in allowing others to express their emotions and are able to use their emotions to guide them. Whenever I have been around a person who is connected with their self, I am inspired. I end up feeling confident around them and walk away with a positive attitude toward my strengths and weaknesses.

I want to offer an opportunity for you to think about what you give away when you participate in certain behaviors that turn out to be nothing more than distractors. Those behaviors that distract you from discovering your innate abilities and applying them in your day-to-day life. What are you missing out on because you decide to occupy yourself with other activities (behaviors) that are futile? There could be many things that are limiting you or maybe just one or two behaviors that are getting in the way. My mission as a potential-focused coach is to uncover those beliefs and subsequently the behaviors that block you from your potential.

Over time I have identified different beliefs and behaviors that are truly limiting and do not serve anyone for moving in the right direction for their own satisfaction and success. One action I have seen many engage in is to “fix” other people. A “fixer” as I am referring to it, is someone who becomes involved in solving issues in others’ lives. These individuals have a desire to reduce the discomfort they believe the individual(s) in their life are experiencing. Those who engage in fixing others often do this with positive intentions. These intentions may arise from a number of factors, their personality, the family they grew up with, the society they live in, friends’ influences or a number of other reasons. It may be that they have a large and giving heart, they feel the need to justify their worth, or they were taught that they are meant to put all others first before themselves. Even though many of these reasons may provide legitimate excuses, they are not beneficial for the fixer. It does not aid them during their life journey and although they may believe it is helping the individual they are fixing, it is most likely just creating tension in their relationship. Additionally, they may be getting in the way of that individual’s personal growth.

I believe there are two main categories for someone to be labeled a fixer. Although similar in actions, how they decide to be a fixer is different. They may naturally behave as a fixer using one of the ways that I describe or a combination of both. First let’s look at the “imposing fixer”, these individuals impose their own thoughts and desires on someone else’s life. They do this to relieve their own discomfort that was felt from observing the person “in need” and often to relieve the discomfort of the person they are hoping to fix. Another way would be as the “yes fixer”, they are always there to help someone with their issues as soon as someone comes to them requesting for their help. This individual does not know how to say no. In this case, it is important to understand that a fixer doesn’t always need to be seeking, but when asked by others to help with their issues they drop everything and rush to help. If someone expects others to fix their issues and they do not put forth the effort for change, then they are only going to be using others to avoid what they need to take care of in their own life and journey. It doesn’t matter what type of fixer someone may be, when they are constantly worried about others and trying to take care of others they will rarely be replenished after their efforts. This depletion of energy prevents the fixer from being able to allow themselves to flourish. It doesn’t leave much room for them to develop their own abilities and share those with the world.

Now you may be shaking your head while reading this because you are not in agreement with what I am saying, I understand. You may be saying to yourself, we are meant to help others, it is selfish if I am only taking care of myself, you do not leave your family or friends behind, or any number of other seemingly justifiable statements. These are the beliefs that I previously mentioned, the beliefs that control our behavior even if they are not beneficial for our own health and wellness.

Importantly, I am not suggesting that people stop helping others. Keep in mind there is a big difference between trying to “help” someone and trying to “fix” a person. When someone truly wishes to be helped they are willing to accept the help and use it as an opportunity to grow. Those are the people who should be offered a helping hand, as long as the person helping is equipped with the right resources. These include not only the typical resources like money and time, but the mental and emotional resources need to be available as well. Now compare this type of person to the one who is often complaining about their current situation or asking for assistance, but consistently making no changes. This is a sign of a “fixing” relationship. These individuals are not in a place to be helped at the moment. It will only create strong negative emotions in both parties. It is essential to note, there are other ways to recognize a “fixing” relationship. If the person who is helping experiences anxiety from spending too much time worrying about others and contemplating what is happening in others’ lives, then the person helping would most likely be engaging in fixing instead of helping.

For a fixer it is very difficult to not step in and help those in their life they perceive to be struggling. What I would like to suggest, is that the action of fixing others is a distractor, one that limits people from their own potential, from shining their own light. They are concentrating on others so much that they are giving up the time and energy it takes to care for themselves. Everyone's responsibility is to make sure that they are able to live a fulfilling life for themselves, this includes rediscovering their own abilities and passions and moving toward sharing those with the world. As I stated before, I truly believe that when we are connected with our self, our intuition, our abilities then we are able to serve the whole. That when we allow ourselves to shine bright, then we give others permission to do the same. The best way to truly help another person would be to allow ourselves to be the best version of who we are meant to be.

As you may have noticed, it is not as simple as saying stop being a fixer. People engage in these actions because of the beliefs around helping others, as well as beliefs surrounding their own self, for instance insecurities with self-worth. Uncovering what those beliefs are and breaking away from them is key to stopping the limiting behaviors that prevent individuals from promoting their own potential. Ultimately, all we need to do is love and take care of ourselves. This will allow us to help others like never before. Someday those who were not ready for the help will decide they want to truly make changes. When they do reach out for help, the connected person will be able to help them. In the meantime, when a person is struggling, yet are not ready to be helped, they should be sent positive thoughts to heal. This may be prayer, meditation, positive wishes and so on. It may come in the form of simply saying it in the mind or telling them in person. Either way, those positive thoughts will go a long way to help the one in need and for the individual who is sending them.

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